Weakness In Me
by gal
Summary: Aya muses in bed about the one he loves... and the one lying beside him. First person. AyaxYouji, shounen-ai mentions. Manga based. Song fic. Rating: R


**Author's Notes:**  
The things that are inspired while listening to a movie soundtracks... Was listening to the soundtrack to '10 Things I Hate About You' and heard this song came on. This little situation / love triangle went through my mind during the first bit of the song playing so I wrote this...  
I don't know the Weiß boys. Nor do I own the song 'Weakness In Me', Joan Armatrading and probably others do. I cut out a chorus for this. I didn't need it.  
This is manga based. What do I write that isn't? So both Ken and Youji are brunettes. Purr.  
Italics are the song lyrics, regular text is Aya's internal babbling. So it's stuff no one sees so it's ok. ^.~  
Warnings: Manga spoilers, some anime spoilers. I'm a bitch to Youji... Aya's a bit different than he is most of the times but this is just all of his internal monologue.  
Aya-kun first person p.o.v.. Song fic. AyaxYouji. Aya+Ken.  
Read Ana's accompanying fic to this here: http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=900777. She read mine and her Ken-muse inspired her to write a type of follow up. You know us. For ever Aya, there is a Ken. ^.~  
Hehe. I started a trend. The tangled web of lust and love pulls a bit tighter with my friend Alec's song fic inspired by Weakness in Me and All I Have To Do Is Dream. A bit of the Schwarz perspective on the Weiß triangle. http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=901127

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Weakness in Me  
by: Gal  
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I'm not the sort of person who falls  
In and quickly out of love  
But to you I gave my affection  
Right from the start.  
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It's late. Or early... it really depends on how one looks at it.

To me, the hour just before dawn is late and means I have been awake instead of sleeping for far too long. But to him, 5 am is an insanely early hour of the morning, far too early for any sane soul to stir. Let alone think about rising and starting the day. How very different we are... were it not for the tight hold his arm has about my waist, I surely would have risen already and set to doing something constructive. Sharpening my katana, reading, shadow sparring...

But I cannot, for he would know I rose... and he may be able to guess that I wasn't able to sleep tonight by his side while he slept like a beautiful fallen angel on my chest. I know why I am not able to sleep. The same reason I am never able to sleep when we are in bed together after the act...

I wish it were just a simple reason of insatiability. A reason such that I couldn't sleep with him by me because I crave more than just his close proximitiy, and primal urges keep me awake, staring at his face. But no. It is nothing like that. Instead, it is simply because he is not the brunette I wish to have in my bed. Simply because I cannot slumber peacefully by the one I do not love.

And yes.. I do love another. Very deeply. Very truly.

And very much in vain because he does not love me. That much is very clear.

I think I always loved him... no that isn't true. There is some song by a group I forget the name of which speaks of loving one before knowing them. It isn't like that. I never would have imagined I would care so for someone like him. But I knew as soon as I saw him, through the tight interlocking of our weapons, on a rooftop on a moonless night. That man was like me. That man could be a sort of match for me... that man could understand me.

But I soon also learned, that man didn't care at all for me.

I am not a person who easily and quickly falls in love. The near obsessive feelings I had for the chocolate haired angel I tried to send back to the heavens frigthened me and I tried to ignore them. Stop them before they formed into more. But it was too late. It had been too late the moment I gazed deep into his eyes. I was captivated, pure and simple. I was in love. And he didn't even know it.

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I have a lover who loves me:  
How could I break such a heart?  
Yet still you gained my attention.  
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_

But I have another...

One who was as captivated by me as I was by **him**. In retrospect, I suppose I should have just ignored his advances. It would have been simple to ignore since I am able to give off the apperance of ignoring everything in the world. But he... represented something to me.

A distraction...  
A way to prove to myself my feelings for the other were nothing... simple lust...  
A replacement...

A way to not be alone. A fear of mine I keep hidden... I push others away so hard and so quickly, one would never guess that of me. But I do not like being alone. But I don't like being hurt either. It truly is a double-edged sword. One I know all too well the biting edge of.

It truly didn't work as I might have hoped though. It should have been nothing... it is nothing. But not to him.

I know he loves me. Even though he never speaks the words. I don't know when he started loving me, but I do know he does. It's in the way he looks at me with those shining green eyes. The way he speaks my name... more correct, the name I go by. The way he allows me anything, the way he allows me to dominate every single time. The way he glances at me in the flower shoppe between his flirtings with the female customers. And yes he still flirts and dates others. Though I get the impression if ever I asked him to stop, he would.

I don't want him to stop.

I don't want **him**.

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Feeling guilty, worried,  
Waking from tormented sleep  
This old love has me bound  
But this new love cuts deep.  
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I sit up wide awake in the bed I often share with him, watching the sunrise touch over the horizon through the bedroom window. Listening to my thoughts run in endless repeating circles. The sunrise is a sight I know I will never share with my lover, this lover. But I don't care. I don't want to. He simply isn't a morning person and I am. There's very little we have in common.

The elder assassin nuzzled close against my chest murmurs something softly in his sleep and I sigh faintly, glancing down at him. Watching the sunlight stroke over his handsome face and his deep brown hair. Anyone would be lucky to have such a lover... but I was always a strange one. He really is a beautiful man... a beautiful replacment. Though there is hardly the level of affection he wishes were so, though there is trust as he is a good teammate. There are... high levels of lust for him on my end. But that is all it is. Our interludes together are always heated and exhausting, a wonderful escape from the pressures of every day life. But I know it doesn't come close to the sweet bliss I would feel with the exuberant former soccer player.

Currently we're in his room, in his bed... as we always are. During our sessions he often gets loud, though I barely breathe above a whisper. I know how thin the walls are so I simply cannot stomach the thought of him hearing us if we were to go to my room. Would he be jealous, envious of his older teammate for being with me? Would he be sickened by our homosexuality? Or would... the one I fear most... he simply not care? There is also the tiny hope that my bed would be the one I could eventually share with the one I loved. Not the one I am simply using as a replacement...

It is thoughts like this which keep me awake at night when he is lying in the circle of my arms. It is horrid of me but... it is simply how things are in my mind. I am caught and held by my current lover but... oh so desire another.

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If I choose now, I'll lose out  
One of you has to fall  
But I need you, and you.  
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The simple solution would be to leave the one I am currently with and pursue the one I desire. But... I cannot. He never has done anything wrong to me, other than simply been the wrong person. I do not want to hurt the man who took me in without question, offered me what I thought I wanted. What I demanded at the time to prove something to myself. I am far nicer behind the iced barriers than most would guess...

Though I am hardly a saint. There are still many selfish aspects as to why I am still with him when he is not the one I desire, as there were when I first spent the night with him. A passion filled night which had him screaming my name as he was pushed again and again into the mattress, on his back, face down, on his knees... and still the dark chocolate gaze haunted my eyes. My mind telling me his hair would be softer, not as thick, fine like angel's wings...

I don't want to be alone. I know the man currently laying with me cares about me. Wants to be with me. I do not know that of the one I want to be with. Never has he cast such a gaze in my direction. For all that I know, he does prefer the fairer sex... Actually I do know such but still that does not dissuade my passions. My brunette lover told me once of the girl **he** was with after he killed his supposed best friend from his past. How I wanted to comfort him then but I could not... and he got the comfort he needed from another. Nearly left the team for her...

I was so... thrilled to hear this, truly. Why the one I share a bed with told me this, I am uncertain. I am certain though that he is not aware of my feelings for another, I hide it well. I hide the fact that I desire another, I hide the fact that our relationship is a full lie. I hide it all save from me and how it hurts...

I do wish though he hadn't told me. For many reasons. The man is fully honest with me... though many times I wish that were different. But his playboy skills show in that he is the perfect lover, doing nothing which could give me valid reason to end it.... Other than the deeper reason of he simply is not the one I want. I hardly hate him. He is kind to me... I just do not love him.

I want him so... but he doesn't want me. And my attempts to replace him with another are failing. Badly.

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Why do you come here  
When you know I've got troubles enough?  
Why do you call me  
When you know I can't answer the phone?  
Make me lie, when I don't want to  
And make someone else some kind of an unknowin' fool  
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I am slowly coming to hate the shifts I work with him... not even mentioning the shifts where it is the three of us working. It is just time spent with him where I cannot touch him, tell him of my love for him. I cannot even bear to be near him, have him look at me... His smiles are so bright, they make my lover's seductive smirks seem like a bad façade.

Sometimes I wish I could tell him how I feel... I know he would not return those feelings, but then at least he would understand. Understand why I can barely stand to look at him. When he is so lovely...

I want to but I cannot. If I look at him for far too long, I will not be responsible for what I will do.

I don't want to hurt the one I am already with, even though it hurts me so to be with him, and not the one I so desire.

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You make me stare, when I should not  
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?  
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I have truly trapped myself in my own weakness... I know this. Every so often when he looks at me, I wonder... does he feel the same? At all? Is there a chance?

Was there a chance...

For I suppose there is no longer one, even if I wanted it so badly. He is honest, and honorable... and they were friends before I came to Weiß. I don't want to hurt the elder assassin by telling him I truly don't want to be with another... and since I am with him, I doubt the one I want would ever want to be with me.

The strong thing to do would be to simply leave my lover. I am hurting myself by being with him, so he could stand a bit of hurt. It is a cruel world we live in... Leave him and pursue the one I do want.

But I can't... I have one. I want the other. If I did that... I know for certain I would lose both...

And I desperately don't want to be alone. My strength people talk of and are so impressed with is all a façade. A carefully formed but fragile façade that could crumble easily if things happened with all of this. And then everyone would know. I truly am nothing.

And why would anyone want someone like that?

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Why do you come here  
And pretend to be just passing by?  
But I need to see you,  
And I mean to hold you  
Tightly  
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Despite it all, I still want him... I can't bare to look at him but I crave seeing him each day. If ever he was gone from my life, I do think I would die. There would be nothing worth living anymore. That tiny glimmering hope deep inside that despite it all, one day I will be with him, would be gone.

I want to hold him... and never let him go.

Him and not this weak replacement for him I have acquired for my own sanity.

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Owari  
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End file.
